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When we were young, we had the wildest dreams and craziest ideas. As a child, we did not care what others think and we were very direct about what we want. As social expectations and values were imbued in us, we learnt how to be socially adept. We learnt how to respect authority, be courteous to others and abide by social customs. Now, although we still have that inner child in us screaming out our inner desires, we have learnt to conceal it.
Although we want to achieve our wildest dreams, we often falter at the first few steps because we are afraid of REJECTION. We learnt to fear rejection; we are afraid of what others think and what others might say. We reject rejection with our entire being.
Rejection is more than just a no
Rejection is not the end and the story continues. You have a chance to turn that very no into a yes. Even if that is still a no, a rejection can be made into a positive experience if you embrace it. And should you ask multiple times, you would eventually get a yes.
Don’t take my word for it. Take it from the guy who was rejected 100 times. Meet Jia Jiang, an entrepreneur, speaker and author. Wanting to overcome his fear of rejection, he took on the 100 Days of Rejection Therapy Challenge. Each day, he would approach a stranger with an absurd request with the aim to get rejected. The aim was to desensitize himself from the pain of getting rejected. In the video below, Jia went to Krispy Kreme to request they make Olympic symbol doughnuts. Watch how the situation unfolds.
Through his 100 days of rejection, Jia learnt rejection is more than a flat no. It is an opportunity. Here are some lessons that we can learn from Jia from his experiences that you can apply to your very own life.
1. Rejection is an opinion. It does not define you.
Rejection is an opinion of the rejector. It reflects more on the rejctor than the rejectee. There is no universal criteria to determine whether someone should be rejected or not. As with any opinion, it is heavily influenced by historical context, cultural differences and psychological factors. If you had asked the same question at a different time for example, that no could very well become a yes. It is not a reflection of your self-worth.
2. Persist. You have a chance to turn a no into a yes.
As with any opinion, there is an opportunity to change it; to turn the no into a yes. To seize that opportunity, all we have to do is persist in our interactions. Understand from the person why you got rejected, suggesting alternatives and reframing your request could potentially change a person’s mind. However, our first instinct when we get rejected is to turn tail and run in embarrassment. This eliminates all chances of ever getting a yes. Stay. So long people remain open to you, you have a chance of changing their minds.
3. Provide a reason for your request
Explaining the reason behind a request dramatically increases the chances of it getting approved.
Psychologist Ellen Langer and her research team at Harvard were investigating the power of because by conducting a simple social experiment. A researcher would identify a person waiting for the copy machine. The researcher would then approach the person with the intention to jump the queue and ask one of three possible questions:
Version 1 : “Excuse me, I have 5 pages. May I use the Xerox machine?”
Version 2 : “Excuse me, I have 5 pages. May I use the xerox machine, because I’m in a rush?”
Version 3: “Excuse me, I have 5 pages. May I use the xerox machine, because I have to make copies?
Here are the findings:
Version 1: 60% of people let the researcher skip the line.
Version 2: 94% of people let the researcher skip ahead in line.
Version 3: 93% of people let the researcher skip ahead in line.
Providing a reason ( as seen by comparing version 1 against versions 2 and 3) vastly increases the chances of a person agreeing to a request. In fact, the quality of the reason does not matter. In version 3, there is no new information being introduced in the reasoning. Of course you are using the copy machine to make copies! Yet, version 3 met with similar levels of compliance as to version 2. By simply providing a reason following a request, you can greatly increase your chances of success.
4. Rejection has a limit. Someone would eventually say yes.
“Through my rejection experiments, I began to realize that I could often get a yes simply by talking to enough people”.
Jia Jiang in his book Rejection Proof
Being raised by a family of teachers, Jia also wanted to try his hand at education. As part of the 100 day Rejection Therapy challenge, Jia went to University of Texas and knocked on the doors of various professors with a request to teach their class. Initially, he was met with rejection. But Jia persevered. He refined his lesson materials and asked yet again. Eventually, a professor was so impressed he agreed to let Jia to teach his class. What was the topic of the class? You guessed it. Rejection.
Every request you make will lead to a different response, depending on factors like environment, timing and who you are asking. There can only be so many rejections. So long you persist, you would eventually get a yes.
5. Ask and you shall receive
If you want something in life, you have to ask for it. Your best experience in life could be just round the corner if you simply just ask. The promotion you dare not ask for could be yours. The person you are scared of asking on a date could be the one. What is taking a little risk in asking for something, especially when the benefit you could reap could potentially be far greater than you imagine? Don’t let the next opportunity slip by. Start seizing it by asking.
It is what you do following rejection that defines who you truly are
“If a person who fears rejection were suddenly unafraid of it, what might he/she be capable of?”
Jia Jiang in his TED talk: What I learned from 100 days of rejection
Rejection is not the end. Following a rejection, you are presented with a choice. What you decide on would truly defines who you are. Are you going to persist or are you going to play it safe? Think of the possibilities.